STPB
by albe-chan
Summary: Sirius' recounting of the most horrific moment of his entire life. He doubts he will ever be the same. SLASH. ONESHOT. SBxSTPB.Rated for coarse humour. Based on real life events but not mine . For Jeanie.


**STPB**

**DISCLAIMER: **I do NOT own Harry Potter, or any of the characters mentioned in this story, unless stated otherwise. Rated for some sexual content, violence and language. Any similarities to real life are purely coincidence and I will not be held responsible! Thanks!

_**WARNING:**_ CONTAINS SLASH (boy on boy) AND SEX (bow chicka bow wow) AND ALL THAT GOOD STUFF!! Ye be warned

**Author's Note: **This is for my very, very good friend, Jean, and STPB, who, by the way, is REAL. I just HAD to put in fan fiction, 'cause it's fucking HILARIOUS. LOL, even thinking of it makes me giggle. Anyhow, here it is. Cheers!

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Sirius Black was appalled. He was shocked, and horrified, and…and…emotionally scarred for life. _For life_.

He would never, ever get over what he had just seen in the broom closet. Never. It was too horrendously imprinted onto his brain to remove. Damn.

He shuddered at the thought of it again, and fell into bed, feeling scared. "Remus…?"

No answer.

He got up and tiptoed over to the werewolf's bed, poking his sleeping friend in the arm. "Remus."

Bollocks, still asleep. Desperate times called for desperate actions. He jumped on Mooney, and pulled the curtains shut. "Remus!" he hissed into the boy's ear.

Remus glared groggily at him. "What Pads? Can't your latest sexual conquest wait until morning?"

"No!"

Remus sighed, groaned, and sighed again before sitting up. "Come on then, tell me."

"I…I don't think I can."

"What, you didn't embarrass yourself did you?"

"No, but I was embarrassed _for_ the bloke."

Remus sat up a little straighter. This was valuable information. "Go on…"

"Well…" Sirius sighed, and tried to smother himself in Mooney's blankets. After ten seconds he stopped though, as he couldn't breath. "Fine, I'll tell you. But you have to _promise_ not to say anything to _anyone_!"

"I promise."

"Alright. Well…he was on the…small side."

Remus stared. "He was small?"

"Yeah. Like…really small."

Remus shrugged. So the boy had been petite… "So?"

Sirius rolled his eyes. "No, think like me Mooney. He was _small. _…_Really_ small. Like…the size of my pinky." Sirius held up the digit for demonstrative purposes.

Remus stared blankly for a few seconds before cottoning on. "Oh! Ohh…really?"

Sirius nodded dismally.

"So? He's small. They get bigger when…y'know."

"No Remus, this was after the y'know part." Remus tried to bite back his smile, tried so hard not to laugh, and managed to keep it to a single snort. Sirius glared. "Glad you think it's funny."

"I'm sorry Pads, I'm not laughing at you. So what happened then?"

"Well he wanted to…y'know. But I said no, cause…well I don't think it would have really done much to be honest. On the other hand, that was the easiest blow job of my life."

Remus grimaced. "Too much information."

"Sorry."

"So?"

Sirius sighed. Damn Remus having to get every last shred of information from him. If Sirius didn't know any better, he would say Remus was the pouf for acting so girly. "That's not the worst part."

"Oh?"

Sirius looked away form his monosyllabic friend. "It was…well, he made these really weird sounds. Like he was in pain or…or I don't know. It was really kind of creepy. The entire time I kept thinking: 'Should I stop?'"

"But you didn't."

Sirius shook his head. He looked up at Remus with a scared expression. "That's not the worst part though."

"Go on then." Remus was enjoying himself. He didn't care; he _had_ to tell James about this one if Sirius didn't. It was fucking hilarious.

"Well, after…when we were done yeah? Well, he first of all said it was the best ever, but I mean, come on, of course it was." Remus rolled his eyes. "But then I saw it again, when he was…putting his clothes on. And…it was like…even smaller. And it was…pyramid shaped."

Remus burst into laughter. This was the most ridiculous thing he had ever heard. He would have gone so far as to think Padfoot was pulling his leg, except for the rather horrified look in Sirius' eyes, and how scared he sounded. Which definitely only made it funnier.

Sirius waited for him to stop laughing. When he did, Sirius glared. "Sorry Pads, sorry. It's just…come on, you know you'd have wet yourself by now if it had been me or James or Peter."

Sirius sighed. "True. But still Mooney, you didn't see it. It was the freakiest thing I have _ever_ seen."

"I can imagine so." Remus chuckled some more. "So…are you and STPB going to go out again?"

"What?"

"Oh, I've dubbed him Small Triangular Penis Boy."

Sirius glared. "I hate you." And with that, he went back to his own bed, and shut the curtains furiously. Remus laughed some more, and settled back down to sleep.

Oh yes, he was definitely going to tell James about this one.

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**Author's Note: **well there it is. STPB will live forever now. LMFAO. Ohh Merlin…still gets me every time… Cheers!


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